Letting Go of Expectations

I didn't know much about childbirth before I got pregnant the first time, but I did know that some day I would like to try a home birth. It sounded like a peaceful and exciting way to welcome a child into the world, but I wanted to experience childbirth in a hospital setting before trying a home birth. So when I ended up going to the hospital when I was 10 days overdue to be induced at midnight (for insurance purposes they said) with my first baby then 12 hours later having a c-section, I was very disappointed! That was not the birth I had envisioned for my son. Yes, I had a beautiful and healthy baby boy and I was so blessed to have him, but I felt like they hadn't taken my preferences into account and it felt like I didn't GIVE birth, but that it was TAKEN from me. They declared him too big to fit through my pelvis and they had their minds made up that he would be cut out rather than wait the 30+ hours for his big head to maneuver its way out, the natural way. Little did they know that three years later I would deliver an even bigger baby naturally with no complications. 

I started researching childbirth and reading books about home birth and my husband and I talked and prayed about what to do with our next baby. We weighed the risks and benefits and decided that a home birth would be the best option for a natural vaginal birth experience. I'll explain more in a future post about our decision to choose to have our babies at home. I want to be clear when I say that home birth was a choice we made for ourselves and I would not push or insist on others having a home birth. It definitely is not for everyone and I fully respect any woman's decision when it comes to something as personal as having a baby. We assumed the risk (which we felt was lower than the risks associated with a repeat c-section) and were rewarded with an incredible birthing experience. 

The birth of our daughter was by far the most defining moment in my life. My husband and I were alone through most of it, walking, writing thank you notes, watching Monk, laughing, then when things got more intense he was reading scripture, praying, and helping me to rely on God's strength, not my own. I felt a much stronger connection to God, my husband, my baby, and my own body. It was beautiful.

So of course when I found out I was expecting another baby, we started planning for a home birth. We settled on a midwife and paid her up front for a discounted rate. But then I found out we were having twins. I was so shocked! There was a time when I thought we may get twins because there were a couple sets in my husband's family but after learning that the gene for twins doesn't pass onto the father, I was relieved. There were no twins in my family so finding out that there were two babies in my tummy was by far the biggest surprise of my life!

After some of the initial shock wore off, I had a conversation with my midwife and we decided that with my history, I should have the twins in the hospital. It would be possible to deliver them naturally at home (and I know of many women who have delivered twins successfully at home), but it would be more complicated and much more risky with my previous c-section. I wasn't 100% comfortable with the idea of having a home birth and if there is one thing you need to be completely comfortable with before attempting, it's home birth! So I asked around for an OB who was knowledgeable in twin birth but would let me have a shot at delivering naturally.

I got many recommendations for a high risk OB who was VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) friendly and went in for a visit. He had 11 kids of his own and was very friendly and easy to talk to. Throughout the pregnancy, he has given me hope that there was a chance for a natural birth, which is more than I can say for any other OBs in this area. Most twins are born by cesarean due to their positions and the complications that can occur in a twin birth. To my doctor, however, the previous c-section didn't have a lot to do with his decision, but more so that the babies are BOTH head down and we are all tolerating labor well. He does not induce VBACs, due to the increased chances of uterine rupture so my only chance at having a natural delivery would be if I went into labor on my own, which at this point is looking to be unlikely. I also seem to have one twin who enjoys doing acrobatics and has flipped into a head up position at 36 weeks after being head down through most of the pregnancy. She is one impressive girl! 

Changing my expectations has been one of the most difficult parts of the pregnancy emotionally. To go from a calm and peaceful home birth with only myself, my supportive husband, and two midwives present in a dark candlelit room, to a bright hospital room full of medical personnel excited  to witness a twin birth could be slightly traumatizing! However, I felt that it was important to let go of certain expectations long ago in this pregnancy. I still held out hope that there was a chance that I could deliver naturally while I prepared my heart for a c-section. As the pregnancy has progressed I have gotten more and more used to the idea that I just need to let go of ALL expectations and simply be thankful for a medical team who can deliver these babies as safely as possible. 

Please keep in mind that while it's important to research and know what to expect in childbirth, it is equally important to remember that when it comes down to it, the safety of you and baby (or babies) is the ideal outcome! Be an advocate for your right to deliver how you want, but prepare your heart for any situation that may arise. I may have been far less disappointed with the birth of my first son if I had let go of some expectations. While I hope that I can have future babies at home, I am no longer disappointed that I don't get to have my twins in the sweet comfort of my own home, and I really am looking forward to giving birth, no matter how it is done!