Why yes, I do have my hands full, thank you!

"You have your hands full!"

When I heard this phrase the first few times when I was expecting the twins, I didn't think much of it. Then after a while and especially after the babies were born it started to bother me and I don't know why. Perhaps it was because I heard it ALL. THE. TIME. I would get so irritated every time someone said it. But then it occurred to me that unless spoken in a tone of obvious disdain and malice, these comments were most likely innocent and from a good place. Even if they weren't, was it my place to get mad and huffy? No! It is my job to show Christ's love to everyone. I now hear something along these lines every time I go anywhere with all the children and all I say is, "Yes I do!" Because, yes, my hands ARE full! I say it with a smile to show love to others and that even though my hands are SO full and I am exhausted beyond belief, it is a good kind of full and a true blessing. I am still a work in progress and the comments do get to me on occasion but I try my best to portray my blessings as such!

I really like what this lady says in her post on the Humbled Homemaker.


"Live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:2

Just a quick and encouraging word...

"When I view motherhood not as a gift from God to make me holy but rather as a role with tasks that get in my way, I am missing out on one of God's ordained means of spiritual growth in my life. Not only that, but I am missing out on enjoying God. No amount of mommy angst can compare to the misery that comes from a life devoid of the comforting, encouraging, guarding, providing, satisfying presence of our holy God." Gloria Furman--Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full

"Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full"

One of my sweet friends gave me a book at my baby shower for the twins. It's called Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full: Gospel Meditation for Busy Moms by Gloria Furman. I have so many books that I have been meaning to read and am slowly plucking my way through them and sadly this book was nowhere near the top of the list because I forgot I had it! However, God has a very special way of bringing things to happen at exactly when they are needed. I was starting to think that this whole twin thing was going to be a lot easier than I thought until... THE BABIES STARTED WAKING UP! They are sleeping through the night (YAY! although I still have to wake up at night to pump) but they are starting to be awake more during the day and are demanding much more of my time these days, as is my 21 month old. So this book came back onto my shelf at a very good time, just as life is starting to get a little overwhelming again. I have only read the introduction so far but I wanted to share a little snippet of what is to come. I can't wait to finish and be able to tell you all about it!

"The circumstances of your motherhood may be difficult, troublesome, and confusing. Even so, there is a circumstance that supersedes all the complexities of your life. It is the simple truth that the one great, permanent circumstance in which you live is that you have been allowed to walk in newness of life as you are united to Christ by faith through grace. Our joy cannot be wrapped up in motherhood but only in God. All of us need to allow the Spirit to do his 'indoor work' and marvel as the Lord cultivates sweet, inward contentment in our heart as we learn to trust him."

What this means to me is that no matter how crazy my life is, there is something bigger. There is someone bigger. I don't deserve any of these blessings that God has bestowed on me because I am a wretched sinner! So undeserving. But God has chosen to offer me (and anyone else who seeks it) His grace and I have the opportunity to live a new life in Him. That is the most important thing. It doesn't matter that I am trying to care for four children five and under and all that goes with that. All that matters is that I am a new creation. I can't give all that I am to my children. That won't get me anywhere but a loony bin! It is only by putting my trust in God that I can learn to be content in my difficult and hectic life. He will teach me how to see joy in ALL circumstances, which is sort of a theme in my life right now. This is obviously a work that God has been doing in me over the last year and I still have a lot to learn!

If you are a mom, it might be worthwhile to check out this book! I haven't read it yet and can't endorse it FULLY, but if the introduction is a true reflection of what this book is about, I say it's a must read for any mama (busy or not)!

By the way, the first chapter of this book is called Hands Full of Blessings.
*wink wink* *nudge nudge*

Encouragement for Moms

As I've had some time to reflect on life with twins and two other children, I have realized some very interesting things about God's undeniable love for me. Of course I am no expert in motherhood, only having been a mom for 5 years, but I would still like to encourage those who are scared, overwhelmed, and having trouble trusting in God's perfect plan for their lives.

When I found out I was expecting twins, I was TERRIFIED! I know myself and know that I get overwhelmed very easily. I really started to question God and why He would choose me to be a mom of twins, especially when I already had two other kids, one who was barely a year old!! I did not know how I would be able to juggle being a good wife and mother, taking care of the house, and maintaining my already fragile emotions well enough to avoid falling into a pit of depression. I remember asking God in tears why he chose me to have this life when I am so weak!! At times I would allow myself to feel God's peace. He would remind me through His words from the Psalms, "Be still and know that I am God," and His words from Jeremiah, "I know the plans I have for you, plans for a hope and a future. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you." I would read these words and be comforted. But at times I still had a lot of fear of the unknown. I wanted to trust God but really struggled with letting go.

Then our twins were born. I was so happy and yet so scared! But you know what? I made it through the first week. Then I made it through the second week by myself with the twins. Then I made it through my first day with all four children by myself. I asked for God's help and encouragement, and He gave it to me. Now the babies are two months old and we are doing well! I remember thinking that having twins would be good for me because it would force me to get my act together. I can see now how correct I was! But it wasn't me getting my act together. I could not have managed without God's strength (and the help of so many amazing family members and friends). I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "I don't know how you manage!" But I am here to tell you that I don't manage! If I did not ask God daily for His help, I would be sitting in a puddle of tears on the floor, unable to function. God has enabled me to not only survive the day, but to be more organized and keep the household running as well. It is not necessarily clean or tidy, but my children are well cared for, I can get supper on the table, and I can get us in and out of the house in one piece. I have my moments of feeling overwhelmingly ill-equipped to be doing this job and I know that I will have many more. There are days that I am on the verge of tears all day. But with God's help, I am doing it, which is honestly more than I thought I could handle.

God has also blessed me with an amazing army of helpers. He placed people in my life who are kind and willing to take time out of their busy lives to help us out. I have been reminded numerous times that God did not intend for any of us to do this alone. He created families and communities to come along side one another and lift each other up. I am so thankful for these people allowing themselves to be used by God to bless our family.

God has shown me time and time again that He loves me and He has a plan for my life. I have seen His divine intervention in my life many times and I can see it now, in the way that He has provided a way for me to manage my handful of blessings.

So I encourage mothers, no matter how many children you have, to stop thinking in terms of your own strength, or what YOU can handle. Because I guarantee you, if you try to do it on your own, it will be much more difficult. Let God be your strength, for when we are weak, He is strong. Let yourself be overwhelmed with His love, not your circumstances.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Letting Go of Expectations

I didn't know much about childbirth before I got pregnant the first time, but I did know that some day I would like to try a home birth. It sounded like a peaceful and exciting way to welcome a child into the world, but I wanted to experience childbirth in a hospital setting before trying a home birth. So when I ended up going to the hospital when I was 10 days overdue to be induced at midnight (for insurance purposes they said) with my first baby then 12 hours later having a c-section, I was very disappointed! That was not the birth I had envisioned for my son. Yes, I had a beautiful and healthy baby boy and I was so blessed to have him, but I felt like they hadn't taken my preferences into account and it felt like I didn't GIVE birth, but that it was TAKEN from me. They declared him too big to fit through my pelvis and they had their minds made up that he would be cut out rather than wait the 30+ hours for his big head to maneuver its way out, the natural way. Little did they know that three years later I would deliver an even bigger baby naturally with no complications. 

I started researching childbirth and reading books about home birth and my husband and I talked and prayed about what to do with our next baby. We weighed the risks and benefits and decided that a home birth would be the best option for a natural vaginal birth experience. I'll explain more in a future post about our decision to choose to have our babies at home. I want to be clear when I say that home birth was a choice we made for ourselves and I would not push or insist on others having a home birth. It definitely is not for everyone and I fully respect any woman's decision when it comes to something as personal as having a baby. We assumed the risk (which we felt was lower than the risks associated with a repeat c-section) and were rewarded with an incredible birthing experience. 

The birth of our daughter was by far the most defining moment in my life. My husband and I were alone through most of it, walking, writing thank you notes, watching Monk, laughing, then when things got more intense he was reading scripture, praying, and helping me to rely on God's strength, not my own. I felt a much stronger connection to God, my husband, my baby, and my own body. It was beautiful.

So of course when I found out I was expecting another baby, we started planning for a home birth. We settled on a midwife and paid her up front for a discounted rate. But then I found out we were having twins. I was so shocked! There was a time when I thought we may get twins because there were a couple sets in my husband's family but after learning that the gene for twins doesn't pass onto the father, I was relieved. There were no twins in my family so finding out that there were two babies in my tummy was by far the biggest surprise of my life!

After some of the initial shock wore off, I had a conversation with my midwife and we decided that with my history, I should have the twins in the hospital. It would be possible to deliver them naturally at home (and I know of many women who have delivered twins successfully at home), but it would be more complicated and much more risky with my previous c-section. I wasn't 100% comfortable with the idea of having a home birth and if there is one thing you need to be completely comfortable with before attempting, it's home birth! So I asked around for an OB who was knowledgeable in twin birth but would let me have a shot at delivering naturally.

I got many recommendations for a high risk OB who was VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) friendly and went in for a visit. He had 11 kids of his own and was very friendly and easy to talk to. Throughout the pregnancy, he has given me hope that there was a chance for a natural birth, which is more than I can say for any other OBs in this area. Most twins are born by cesarean due to their positions and the complications that can occur in a twin birth. To my doctor, however, the previous c-section didn't have a lot to do with his decision, but more so that the babies are BOTH head down and we are all tolerating labor well. He does not induce VBACs, due to the increased chances of uterine rupture so my only chance at having a natural delivery would be if I went into labor on my own, which at this point is looking to be unlikely. I also seem to have one twin who enjoys doing acrobatics and has flipped into a head up position at 36 weeks after being head down through most of the pregnancy. She is one impressive girl! 

Changing my expectations has been one of the most difficult parts of the pregnancy emotionally. To go from a calm and peaceful home birth with only myself, my supportive husband, and two midwives present in a dark candlelit room, to a bright hospital room full of medical personnel excited  to witness a twin birth could be slightly traumatizing! However, I felt that it was important to let go of certain expectations long ago in this pregnancy. I still held out hope that there was a chance that I could deliver naturally while I prepared my heart for a c-section. As the pregnancy has progressed I have gotten more and more used to the idea that I just need to let go of ALL expectations and simply be thankful for a medical team who can deliver these babies as safely as possible. 

Please keep in mind that while it's important to research and know what to expect in childbirth, it is equally important to remember that when it comes down to it, the safety of you and baby (or babies) is the ideal outcome! Be an advocate for your right to deliver how you want, but prepare your heart for any situation that may arise. I may have been far less disappointed with the birth of my first son if I had let go of some expectations. While I hope that I can have future babies at home, I am no longer disappointed that I don't get to have my twins in the sweet comfort of my own home, and I really am looking forward to giving birth, no matter how it is done!