Letting Go of Expectations

I didn't know much about childbirth before I got pregnant the first time, but I did know that some day I would like to try a home birth. It sounded like a peaceful and exciting way to welcome a child into the world, but I wanted to experience childbirth in a hospital setting before trying a home birth. So when I ended up going to the hospital when I was 10 days overdue to be induced at midnight (for insurance purposes they said) with my first baby then 12 hours later having a c-section, I was very disappointed! That was not the birth I had envisioned for my son. Yes, I had a beautiful and healthy baby boy and I was so blessed to have him, but I felt like they hadn't taken my preferences into account and it felt like I didn't GIVE birth, but that it was TAKEN from me. They declared him too big to fit through my pelvis and they had their minds made up that he would be cut out rather than wait the 30+ hours for his big head to maneuver its way out, the natural way. Little did they know that three years later I would deliver an even bigger baby naturally with no complications. 

I started researching childbirth and reading books about home birth and my husband and I talked and prayed about what to do with our next baby. We weighed the risks and benefits and decided that a home birth would be the best option for a natural vaginal birth experience. I'll explain more in a future post about our decision to choose to have our babies at home. I want to be clear when I say that home birth was a choice we made for ourselves and I would not push or insist on others having a home birth. It definitely is not for everyone and I fully respect any woman's decision when it comes to something as personal as having a baby. We assumed the risk (which we felt was lower than the risks associated with a repeat c-section) and were rewarded with an incredible birthing experience. 

The birth of our daughter was by far the most defining moment in my life. My husband and I were alone through most of it, walking, writing thank you notes, watching Monk, laughing, then when things got more intense he was reading scripture, praying, and helping me to rely on God's strength, not my own. I felt a much stronger connection to God, my husband, my baby, and my own body. It was beautiful.

So of course when I found out I was expecting another baby, we started planning for a home birth. We settled on a midwife and paid her up front for a discounted rate. But then I found out we were having twins. I was so shocked! There was a time when I thought we may get twins because there were a couple sets in my husband's family but after learning that the gene for twins doesn't pass onto the father, I was relieved. There were no twins in my family so finding out that there were two babies in my tummy was by far the biggest surprise of my life!

After some of the initial shock wore off, I had a conversation with my midwife and we decided that with my history, I should have the twins in the hospital. It would be possible to deliver them naturally at home (and I know of many women who have delivered twins successfully at home), but it would be more complicated and much more risky with my previous c-section. I wasn't 100% comfortable with the idea of having a home birth and if there is one thing you need to be completely comfortable with before attempting, it's home birth! So I asked around for an OB who was knowledgeable in twin birth but would let me have a shot at delivering naturally.

I got many recommendations for a high risk OB who was VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) friendly and went in for a visit. He had 11 kids of his own and was very friendly and easy to talk to. Throughout the pregnancy, he has given me hope that there was a chance for a natural birth, which is more than I can say for any other OBs in this area. Most twins are born by cesarean due to their positions and the complications that can occur in a twin birth. To my doctor, however, the previous c-section didn't have a lot to do with his decision, but more so that the babies are BOTH head down and we are all tolerating labor well. He does not induce VBACs, due to the increased chances of uterine rupture so my only chance at having a natural delivery would be if I went into labor on my own, which at this point is looking to be unlikely. I also seem to have one twin who enjoys doing acrobatics and has flipped into a head up position at 36 weeks after being head down through most of the pregnancy. She is one impressive girl! 

Changing my expectations has been one of the most difficult parts of the pregnancy emotionally. To go from a calm and peaceful home birth with only myself, my supportive husband, and two midwives present in a dark candlelit room, to a bright hospital room full of medical personnel excited  to witness a twin birth could be slightly traumatizing! However, I felt that it was important to let go of certain expectations long ago in this pregnancy. I still held out hope that there was a chance that I could deliver naturally while I prepared my heart for a c-section. As the pregnancy has progressed I have gotten more and more used to the idea that I just need to let go of ALL expectations and simply be thankful for a medical team who can deliver these babies as safely as possible. 

Please keep in mind that while it's important to research and know what to expect in childbirth, it is equally important to remember that when it comes down to it, the safety of you and baby (or babies) is the ideal outcome! Be an advocate for your right to deliver how you want, but prepare your heart for any situation that may arise. I may have been far less disappointed with the birth of my first son if I had let go of some expectations. While I hope that I can have future babies at home, I am no longer disappointed that I don't get to have my twins in the sweet comfort of my own home, and I really am looking forward to giving birth, no matter how it is done!

An Unexpected Hospital Trip

On our way to Will's parents' house to celebrate his thirtieth birthday with family yesterday, I received a phone call from my doctor. He asked how I was doing then said that he was about to ruin my day. He told me that my lab results indicated that I had pre-eclampsia, which has always been a fear with this pregnancy, especially for the past few weeks, but I honestly never thought it would happen to me. So he told me to come to the hospital and check in for monitoring. He said that there was a chance that if the babies and I were stable, I could go home, but there was also a chance that I would be transferred to the other hospital in town that has a NICU where I would stay put until the babies were born. So we continued on to Will's parents' house and after alerting the troops, he opened his birthday presents very quickly, ate a quick helping of his birthday lunch (stroganoff, his favorite) then they sent us off with some birthday cake, keeping the kids for us. We got to the hospital and they hooked me up to monitors with five straps around my belly and a blood pressure cuff that took my pressure every 15 minutes. Baby B did NOT like the tight straps and kept rolling around so the nurse would have to come back in and readjust the monitor. They got me positioned on my left side with a pillow behind me and told me not to move...for three hours! Have you ever tried sitting perfectly still in an uncomfortable hospital bed for three hours when severely pregnant? Not fun! I had to use the restroom and my back and left hip got so sore! After a while, my doctor came back in and said that my blood pressure was excellent and that I could go home. He said that I need to take it easy and be very careful. He ordered me to be on "very limited activity," which is not bed rest but almost! No running errands, no chasing kids around, staying off my feet as much as possible. I go back to see the doctor on Tuesday and we will reevaluate based on my blood pressure. So that is where I am right now.

The night before, we had dropped the kids off with their grandparents and went on a date to celebrate our 6th anniversary. They kept the kids overnight and we are so thankful to have had that time to relax and enjoy one another's company before things really started to get stressful and crazy! God's timing was perfect. :-) We are in the home stretch now, with just three weeks max left to go before we meet our little girls!  Please pray for us as we try to navigate these last few weeks with as little stress as possible so that my pressure will stay low and we can keep these babies in as long as possible!!

34 Week Update!

I've made it to a new milestone in this twin pregnancy! If I were to go into labor naturally at any point from now on, they will not take measures to stop it. Yay! That means that they would be considered healthy enough at this point for it to not be dangerous for them to come into the world. Even if they had to spend a little bit of time in the NICU, they would be quite healthy. I am proud of us for lasting this long!

So I received some good and bad news at my appointment yesterday. The good news is that both babies are measuring 5 lbs even and head down. They have never been more than a couple of ounces apart through the whole pregnancy, which is a very good thing for identical twins! It means that they are getting equal amounts of nutrients from their shared placenta. The doctor was also pleased with my blood sugar numbers and said that we can continue managing with diet only.

Now for the bad news. My blood pressure was high again for the second time in the last two appointments. It wasn't frighteningly high, but just enough to be concerned. The doctor ordered me to be on limited activity but NOT bed rest, praise the Lord! I am supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible but am still allowed to take care of my kids. I am being checked for pre-eclampsia but I am praying that it is just gestational high blood pressure, which isn't as dangerous as pre-e. I go back in a week and if my blood pressure is still high, then we will reconsider the timeline of when the best time for the babies to be born will be. They may come a little earlier than expected.

I am so thankful for family and friends who have come around to help us in so many ways! Right now two of my sisters in-law are downstairs cleaning my house for me. I am horrible about asking people for help and always feel bad but am very thankful for those who read between the lines and come over to help anyway. I better get used to it because I know that we will be needing more help after the babies come! We are learning a good lesson in accepting the kindness and generosity of others. :-)

10 Things I Can't Do That I Could With My Previous Pregnancies

This post is not meant to complain, but to remind myself that it is important to view things with a sense of humor sometimes and not take things so seriously. The other day somebody told me that I looked like a beached whale. I was not offended in the LEAST BIT because a) it was from someone that I am very close to who knows EXACTLY how I feel, also being a mother of twins and b) it is a very good description of how I actually feel. I probably wouldn't make it through the day if I couldn't see the humor in my many discomforts and annoyances. And looking at it from this perspective reminds me that I am blessed. The pain of being pregnant with twins is not a punishment, but an absolute gift from God that I am truly thankful for. 

So here it is, my list of 10 things that I can't do that I could do with my previous pregnancies:

1) Put on and take off socks

I actually CAN put on socks but it depends on the kind of socks, the time of day, and whether or not I can manage to hold my breath at the time. However, a friend from church gave me an occupational therapy care package complete with a sock putter-onner and a sock taker-offer (or what we call a "getter"). I'm sure they have other names but I don't know what they are. So now I can manage! I also have an amazing husband who literally gets a thrill out of putting my socks on for me. I guess it has something to do with me needing him. :-) I wonder how he'll feel when I ask him to cut and paint my toenails tonight. 

2) Drive

I can still manage to squeeze into the van to drive but the car is definitely off limits. With how fast these babies are growing, I'm sure I won't even be able to drive the van by my next OB appointment! 

3) Eat whatever I want

Yeah so I couldn't exactly eat whatever I wanted in my previous pregnancies but I never really had to worry. I ate well and managed to gain the minimum amount of weight in both pregnancies, but I didn't have to calculate every little thing before I even took a bite. "How much is a serving? Woah, a half of a cup isn't very much at all. How many carbohydrates are in this? How much of that is sugar? Does it have fiber in it? Okay, 23 minus 5. That's doable. Now I need something with protein. Protein. Protein. What has a good amount of protein in it?" This literally goes through my mind before I eat ANYTHING. And I didn't have to poke my finger 4 times a day! 

4) Bend over

Any woman who has ever been pregnant can tell you that bending over always gets difficult towards the end of pregnancy but I could still manage to do it with some discomfort. However, it has been a couple of months since I have been able to bend over without feeling lightheaded. And now the pain in my back, hips, and pelvis is so severe that bending over is just not really an option. I'm thankful to have willing little servants helpers who can easily bend over and pick things up for mommy! 

5) Special time with hubby

Impossible. Enough said. *blush blush*

6) Go out in public

I have never been so worried about germs in my life! I caught the swine flu when I was 37 weeks with my first and was SO sick! I ended up having to stay a night in the hospital. When my husband got sick a week later, I was so worried that we would be bringing our baby into a house of death. I can't imagine going through that while pregnant with twins! Now the chance of bringing germs into the house is much greater with two young children. The chances of having babies with compromised immune systems is also much greater with twins, so we are trying to limit contact with the outside world. I guess Amazon will be my buddy for the foreseeable future!

7) Make it through the day without crying

Whether it's broken glasses, almost late library movies, a sweet moment with one of the children, a kind gesture from my husband, a bad blood sugar reading, pain, lack of sleep, a sappy movie (or commercial), inability to find a shoe or my purse, or even the cat attempting to get on the kitchen counter, I can guarantee you that I will cry pretty much every day. 

8) Speak to my children calmly

I have no patience with the kids and I am constantly on the verge of exploding. I have been praying for patience and self-control but boy, those are hard to come by these days! 

9) Hold my children

This has been a tough one for me. I've never been big on carrying my kids around everywhere and only used some form of carrier when necessary, like when baby girl was always fussy when I was trying to make supper, but what mother doesn't enjoy holding her children on her lap and reading them a story or just giving them cuddles? I'm too big and uncomfortable for that now! As my son said the other day, "Mommy, your lap is getting buried." 

10) Get comfortable...ever

Yes, everyone knows that it is impossible to get comfortable at the end of pregnancy, but having more than one baby in there brings discomfort to a whole new level. And as my OB said at my last appointment, "It's going to get worse before it gets better!"

On the bright side, I know that it is all worth it. Soon we will have two new beautiful little blessings to add to our growing family. And I can only imagine how much easier future pregnancies (if there be such) will be! This has been a struggle and I know that the struggle will not end with the birth of our babies, but it is my prayer that God will use this experience to transform me into a more self-controlled,  patient, kind, mature, organized, and disciplined woman with a stronger desire to have a better relationship with the Lord. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

Major Update!

So I'm not very good at this. As you can see, it's been a while since I wrote a new post! A lot has happened in that time and I have had many ideas of what to write but never managed to make it to the computer with them. I wish I could say that I've just been too busy with Thanksgiving and Christmas and all that goes into the planning and preparing for both holidays, but I haven't actually been that busy since I decided to only leave the house out of absolute necessity a few weeks ago. I have just found other things to do with my time. Plus I have the memory of a peanut, making it difficult to remember to sit down and get to work.

So here is a not-so-quick update:

Our 5 year old son had surgery in mid-November to fix an intestinal issue. It was the most stressful and nerve-racking experience in my five years as a mother! However, he healed remarkably well and has had no other issues. Praise the Lord for a full recovery!

Right before Thanksgiving we were blessed with a beautiful mini-van for a very low price. The owner of the car lot goes to our church and gave us a fantastic deal, better than anything we could ever imagine! We are so thankful for him nudging us towards something that was a little out of our price range but that was completely worth it. It is the newest and nicest car that either of us have ever owned! We are living a debt free lifestyle so we paid cash and the van is officially ours!

We spent Thanksgiving with my husband's family then took off the day after for a trip to the Creation Museum in northern Kentucky for the weekend. We had a great time and learned a lot about God's creation! The kiddos did really well on the trip and we really enjoyed taking the road trip in our new van.

Where else do you get to ride a triceratops? 

Little girl LOVED the moving, roaring dinosaurs!

Shortly after returning from Kentucky the lovely ladies at my church threw me a baby shower! It was beautiful and fun and I feel blessed beyond measure that my church family was so thoughtful. We won't have to buy diapers for quite some time!

Our favorite time of the year is Christmas time and we really enjoyed taking part in our annual Christmas traditions! Decorating, looking at lights, baking, making gingerbread houses, singing Christmas hymns around the piano, and opening presents. We love celebrating the birth of Jesus by doing a nightly devotion with our Advent calendar. If it wasn't for our sweet boy loving that tradition above all others, we would have forgotten! My husband's family Christmas will be next weekend so it isn't quite over for us yet.

Our beautiful children

Our five year-old's first gingerbread house 

The boy loves setting up his own nativity scene

We are big fans of Christmas lights and were thrilled to have enough lights to put on the outside of the house this year!

My husband, son, and I worked together to make these cookies on Christmas day. A sweet woman from our church gave us the kit to make them, otherwise we never would have thought to do it!

Two very excited children on Christmas morning!

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes in mid-December. I was so disappointed and remember crying the whole day I found out! I had never had issues with my blood sugar before and felt like it was the end of the world. I was quite dramatic about it. I had NO IDEA what to eat and the prospect of poking my finger with a needle four times a day for the next couple of months was quite daunting! However, it turns out that I have a pretty mild case and my doctor and I are hopeful that I can manage it with diet and stay off of medication. It has been difficult to retrain my brain from what I thought was good, healthy food to what is actually healthy for ME. Breakfast is the hardest meal of the day but I have been eating a lot of eggs and breakfast wraps. We joined eMeals with a diabetic family plan and have been able to eat some new yummy meals that everyone likes. I will be sharing some of my favorite meals on here in the future. My husband's family Christmas breakfast is oysters cooked with Bisquick and cinnamon rolls but I don't like oysters (or any seafood really) and I can only eat about 1/8 of one those delicious cinnamon rolls. So this week I am going to attempt to make my own diabetic friendly cinnamon rolls using almond flour, almond milk, applesauce, and Splenda. I'll update you on that venture!! 

I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with my sweet little twinnies! Despite being head down for most of our ultrasounds, they are currently head up. Baby B enjoys banging around inside the bottom of my rib cage and Baby A has decided that my bladder is a soccer ball. My back, hips, and pelvis have been more sore than I could imagine and I am waking up every hour at night to hips that are screaming in pain. Heaving myself to a different position is no easy task and it usually takes a while for me to fall back to sleep. I have contractions daily, although they are few and far between so I am not worried about pre-term labor (yet). At my last appointment I had a slightly high blood pressure which put the doctor on edge but since it went down a little bit after taking it again 15 minutes later, he said that we won't worry about it for right now. If it's high again at my next appointment then we'll go from there. My doctor is really great and believes in taking hurdles one step at a time and not dwelling on things that haven't happened yet, which cuts down greatly on the worry. But despite those things, the pregnancy is going well and we are praying for two healthy full term babies! 

Out of all the many ultrasounds we have had, our sweet girls have only had their heads apart once. Every other time their heads are right next to one another. I can't wait to see them sticking together after they are born!

This is me at 30 weeks with a tummy about as large as full term with my other two children. :-)

Pregnancy Brain

These crazy hormones are seriously messing with my mind! About a month ago I cried for an hour because my glasses broke then the next day I cried because I ALMOST forgot to bring movies back to the library. And it's not just my emotions, I feel fog headed and spazzy most of the time. For example, tonight I turned the burner on to make mashed potatoes and about 10 minutes later we noticed a burning smell. I made sure that there was nothing touching the burner and figured it must be something down in the stove that was burning because I didn't see anything that could possibly be making that smell. A few minutes later, I noticed that the potatoes in the pot looked a little funny. I stared at it for a long time before I realized that I had forgotten to put water in it!! The potatoes were burning! Hopefully I can make it through the rest of this pregnancy without burning down the house!